No, Degeneration X won’t be making an appearance in my Liverpool season preview.
But many other celebrities, including one of their colleagues, will be present. Anybody can run through the Reds’ current roster and predict that the team will finish 7th this season. But it takes a true visionary to do it with celebrity doppelgangers! And so without further ado, I give you the 2012-13 Liverpool Celebrity Season Preview…
Pepe Reina = Stanley Tucci
Two of the most consistent performers in their respective businesses, both Reina and Tucci can be counted on at any given time to deliver a reliable performance. Reina, however, will need to have an Oscar-worthy season if Daniel Agger ends up departing before the transfer window closes.
Doni = Dane Cook
Neither is the best at his particular profession, but if you’re in a tight spot, whether it’s the 4th Round of the League Cup or it’s 1 am and nothing good is on TV, these guys will help you out. Pepe Reina has a pretty stellar medical record during his time at Anfield, so Doni won’t be expected to shoulder a huge load this season. He’ll make a fine backup.
Jose Enrique = A young Bruce Campbell
Maybe not your first choice for a leading role, but they’re both great in support. They’re also both good for comic relief. Last season I gave the Spaniard grief over filling out his shirt a bit too much. It truly was comical; just like Campbell in the majority of his roles throughout his career. Whether or not the new 2012-13 top will be too small for Enrique has yet to be determined.
Daniel Agger = Billie Joe Armstrong
OK this one was a legitimate struggle. Maybe not the best look-alike, but they both have similar roles in that their respective groups go through them. Agger certainly has the traits to lead a punk rock band (the hair, the tattoos, the constant spewing of vocal rage). If Brendan Rodgers is set on the “Spanish 4-3-3″ (and all preseason signs indicate that he is) then he’ll need a center back who can distribute effectively and the Danish defender does just that. Assuming Liverpool can hold off advances for him over the next two weeks, he’ll be arguably the most important piece to the Reds puzzle.
Martin Skrtel = Maris Valainis (aka “Jimmy Chitwood”)
If the Slovakian center back grew up in the 50′s and grew his hair out a bit, I think this one would work. For those of you who reside outside the United States, Jimmy Chitwood is a fictional character from “Hoosiers”; which is basically Chariots Of Fire but with basketball. The team in the movie struggles mightily until Chitwood shows up and takes over offensively. Now Skrtel isn’t here for his offensive firepower, but if Daniel Agger leaves then suddenly Skrtel becomes The Guy for this team as he’ll be the only world class player left to anchor the defense.
Glen Johnson = Seth Gilliam
Gilliam plays Sgt. Ellis Carver on what many will tell you (correctly) is the best television show ever: The Wire. Carver spends a lot of his time on the streets while he’s on duty and he has a certain swagger/bravado that tends to show whenever he’s confronting criminals. Johnson has that same swagger/bravado when he gets forward. His goal against FC Gomel in last week’s Europa League qualifier tells you just how confident he is in his offensive abilities, even for a right fullback. With such a thin front line, Liverpool will need all the help they can get in terms of offensive firepower and Johnson will be more than happy to chip in.
Jamie Carragher = Michael Weatherly (aka Agent Anthony DiNozzo)
I suppose at this point I should apologize for letting my American-ness show through. Agent DiNozzo is a government agent on the American TV Show NCIS. Always quick with a quip, he’s great in a supporting role on his team. Likewise, Liverpool will be better off if Carragher remains in a supporting role coming off the bench as needed rather than a regular starter. The veteran center back is simply too old and too slow to keep up with the best strikers the English top flight has to offer right now.
Martin Kelly = Jake Gyllenhall
I’m running out of gas, but I managed to rescue this at the death. Almost gave up on it entirely. But it’s a solid one, especially if you have time to browse the rest of the stuff that comes up when you do a Google Images search for both. Both of these men are pretty underrated and sometimes even unappreciated. Neither can be considered a lead choice 100% of the time, but it also doesn’t do them justice to say they play supportive roles. They both seem to be right on the fringe between the first and second team if you will.
Sebastian Coates = Erik Von Detten
This one will go well over the heads of most Americans, much less you poor, unfortunate souls reading this from afar. Von Detten starred as a happy go lucky teenage inline skater in a movie that came out when I was 12 years old and still impressionable enough to think that I could actually skate competitively. It’s an incredibly cheesy movie, but sentimental in my heart. The connection in this case is purely physical. Coates is still a raw talent at this point, but he showed some bright moments last year so hopefully he can continue to development into someone who can be more reliable coming off the bench a la Carragher this season.
Jack Robinson/Jon Flanagan
OK, sorry folks but I’m running on fumes at this point and these two are still a bit too young to feature prominently this season outside of cup competitions. Barring major injury concerns, we won’t see much of either fullback in the first team although I do feel confident that both can step up into starting roles if the worst should happen.
Check back on Thursday for the midfielders!
“Walk on with hope in your heart and you’ll never walk alone!”