With the 2013 MLS Superdraft fast approaching, I’ve managed to scrape together a hastily researched and sloppily written mock draft just in time.
Note: I do not watch college soccer and I believe any college player worth drafting should already be signed to a homegrown deal.
So with that in mind, here’s how things will play out on Thursday…
1. Toronto FC
Eriq Zavaleta-DEF/FWD (Indiana University)
A defender-turned-forward, Zavaleta is just the guy Toronto needs to shore up its backline. Not only that, but he also comes from a school whose colors are red and white and he spells his name with a “Q”; something you’d only find in Canada.
2. Chivas USA
Walker Zimmerman-DEF (Furman)
Chivas USA trolled you all to perfection by announcing they would select Carlos Alvarez from Connecticut with the second overall pick. Instead the Goats will draft the whitest player available in the 6 foot 3 Zimmerman.
Andrew Farrell-DEF (Louisville)
With new head coach Ryan Nelson still playing for Queens Park Rangers over in London, Toronto play it safe and select another defender from a school with red and white colors.
4. New England
Carlos Alvarez-MID (Connecticut)
In an effort to generate some buzz, the Revs select a player from nearby Connecticut. When asked for a comment, team owner Robert Kraft heaps praise upon the “local boy” who will help the team’s bottom line by taking a “hometown discount”.
Erik Hurtado-FWD (Santa Clara)
After the Portland Timbers failed to get a Homegrown Player claim on the speedy forward from Santa Clara, Vancouver swoops in and grabs him to add insult to their Cascadian rival’s injury.
6. Colorado Rapids
Will Bates-FWD (Virginia)
With the departure of Conor Casey, the Rapids look to fill the void he left by drafting another white, bald-looking forward who is described as a “target forward”.
7. FC Dallas
Blake Smith-MID (New Mexico)
Smith plays as a pure left winger and sports an incredibly clean hairdo when done up properly with some gel. Both of these factors make him the perfect candidate to push Brek Shea to do better in 2013.
Emery Welshman-FWD (Oregon State)
Last week Montreal owner Joey Saputo essentially said his team doesn’t want American players because his fan base would prefer more “European” players. Although they both have ties to Canada, Welshman gets the nod over Ashton Bennett because he has the more European name.
9. Columbus Crew
Mikey Lopez-MID (North Carolina)
My childhood club makes the most sensible pick in the draft by selecting the best player left on the board. Lopez is especially appealing because he is a Generation Adidas player and that means more money back into Clark Hunt’s pocket.
Ashton Bennett-FWD (Coast Carolina)
The Whitecaps select Bennett because, well, he boasts Canadian residency. Eh.
Ryan Finley-FWD (Notre Dame)
After a flurry of promising offseason moves, the Fire decide to gamble on a forward from Notre Dame hoping the football team’s success will rub off on Finley. That and there are lots of generous Notre Dame alums in Chicago.
12. Real Salt Lake
Kyle Bekker-MID (Boston College)
With the possibility of Kyle Beckerman having a breakout year with the US Men’s National Team during World Cup Qualifying, Salt Lake draft a kid with a similar name in the hopes that he’ll pan out like Beckerman.
J.J. Johnson-FWD (Virginia Commonwealth)
The Dynamo love drafting big, physical players with no semblance of technical ability whatsoever. Johnson appears to fit that mold at first glance.
14. Sporting Kansas City
Devon Sandoval-FWD (New Mexico)
Like Houston, Kansas City also has a thing for big, bruising forwards. And with Graham Zusi potentially on the move to England, Sandoval’s hairdo is the perfect replacement.
15. San Jose
Taylor Kemp-DEF (Maryland)
Kemp’s last name rhymes with “Hemp”. And San Jose forward Stephen Lenhart is a man who looks like he enjoys hemp.
16. Seattle Sounders
Don Anding-FWD (Northeastern)
With the departure of Fredy Montero on loan, Seattle continues to move in a new direction by selecting a forward from Northeastern.
17. DC United
Uwem Etuk-MID (West Virginia)
DC United select a former DC United Academy player. (I know, I’m running out of steam)
18. Montreal Impact
Dylan Tucker-Gagnes-DEF (Washington)
Although Paolo Del Piccolo’s first name is “Paolo”, Montreal play it safe and select the guy with a hyphenated, slightly French sounding name.
19. Los Angeles
With no famous people available in the draft, the Galaxy trade their pick back to MLS league headquarters in exchange for a fourth Designated Player slot to add Frank Lampard to their ranks.
Goodnight Everyone! I’m here all week!